


Better Men Than Me Have Failed

by CainReprobus



Category: Hatoful Kareshi | Hatoful Boyfriend
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, M/M, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-11
Updated: 2018-01-04
Packaged: 2018-05-06 02:16:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death, Underage
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,505
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5399117
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CainReprobus/pseuds/CainReprobus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What is it that Hitori Uzune really wants? How long can he possibly keep up this charade? It won't be long before everything inevitably crumbles apart around him.</p><p>After all, you don't always get what you want.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> _Settle down, it'll all be clear_   
>  _Don't pay no mind to the demons_   
>  _They fill you with fear_   
>  _The trouble it might drag you down_   
>  _If you get lost, you can always be found_

“U- Uzune… Are you serious? Please don’t be joking… I don’t think I could take it. I… I love you.”

“Haha, please, darling. Call me Hitori… after all, and I most certainly am not joking, I love you too.”

Hitori Uzune and Kazuaki Nanaki held each other in a tight embrace, Hitori’s fingers curled in Kazuaki’s messy hair. Kazuaki’s face was stained with tears, but he was smiling brightly as he sobbed. Hitori was smiling as well, however faintly. He was not the type to grin. Not even at times like these.

“O- Okay, ehehe,” Kazuaki mumbled, wiping his face with his sleeve but still clinging to Hitori with his other arm, “H- Hitori, then. You, can call me Kazuaki, too. If you want to.”

“Of course.”

“Aah…” Kazuaki held Hitori closer, tears already falling again where he had just wiped them away. He was happy. So happy. In fact, he had never felt happier. His first friend. His first love. And he not only liked him, but loved him back, “I still can’t believe this is real.”

Hitori laughed softly, stroking his hair, “Well it is, Kazuaki. You confessed. I told you the feeling was mutual. The deed is done.”

“So are we… dating?”

“Yes, I would assume so. I mean, I’ll take you to dinner if you think that would solidify-”

“N- No… Please don’t spend your money on me…” Kazuaki mumbled, interrupting his offer, “Y- You’ve already given me more than I deserve…”

“Don’t say that, dear,” Hitori frowned, pulling away and meeting Kazuaki’s soft, teary eyes, “You do deserve this. I’ll make sure you remember that, okay?”

Kazuaki didn’t seem convinced, “O- Okay...”

“But tonight, I think I’ll stick with making dinner myself… Sometime in the next couple of weeks I’ll treat you to something a little better, though,” Hitori smiled again, getting up from the couch they’d been holding each other on and stretching his arms, “I hope… that’s okay!”

Somewhat distressed that Hitori had broken their warm embrace, Kazuaki clutched his arms, but nodded, “I… I guess it’s fine… I still think you shouldn’t waste your hard-earned cash on me… It’s already more than enough that you cook for me.”

“Kazuaki, please. If we’re going to make this work, you need to let me pamper you at least a little. Listen… If I can save up over the next few weeks and eat light meals myself, I assure you, I can afford to take you out. At least to somewhere nice enough.”

“But-”

“No buts. Besides, I have a new tutoring student. That means I’ll be making a bit more than usual. Don’t worry.”

Kazuaki still seemed down, but he nodded reluctantly, “Fine…”

Hitori smirked, “Good. I’m glad we’re on the same page.” He stepped into the kitchen and called out to Kazuaki, “Spaghetti or meatloaf?”

“Uh… Whichever’s easier.”

“Spaghetti it is, then…” Hitori responded, but seemed a bit lost in his thoughts, “Kazuaki, do you think you could check on Nageki while I make this?”

“Eh..? But you just checked on him twenty minutes ago, before I… before I told you.”

“...Yes, I did. And?”

“H- He told you to stop bugging him!”

Hitori sighed, “I gave him twenty minutes! Isn’t that enough?” He paused, a worried look on his face, “Fine, I’ll go check on hi-”

“N- No,” Kazuaki muttered, not wanting Hitori to barge in on Nageki for the fourteenth time tonight, “I’ll do it. I’ll check on him.”

Hitori seemed relieved, nodding as he secured an apron around his waist, “Ah, thank you. You’re wonderful.”

Somewhat flustered by the compliment, Kazuaki smiled and walked out of the room and down the hall. Hitori and Nageki lived alone in an old house that used to be an orphanage. Years ago, other orphans shared the home with them, and they were a big happy family despite their low income. They, however, had found other homes. A few had found foster homes, but most had left to see the world when they were eighteen or so. It was sad to see them go, but Hitori cherished it as a miracle. Though he would miss them, they deserved a better life. They kept in touch, though. Each and every one of them still wrote to him, and Nageki had all of their numbers.

No one had offered Nageki a home, and upon turning eighteen he felt no inclination to leave. His health was too poor, after all, to live alone… Not that he minded. He prefered to stay where he was. With Hitori. Though his other brothers and sisters were gone, he did not want to leave Hitori. Even if he could be a pain.

The house had felt very empty since the last of them, a boisterous crippled youth, had finally turned eighteen. Without him around, it was far too quiet. Hitori often missed the activity, but Nageki liked it this way. It was far more relaxing, after all. Kazuaki passed empty room after empty room on his way to the one Nageki was in. Although he now had his choice of any of the other far bigger rooms, Nageki still vouched to stay in the one that had always been his. And Hoppe’s. After all, the other rooms still belonged to the others, if they ever wanted to return and visit.

“N- Nageki?” Kazuaki started in a faint voice as he reached Nageki’s door. It was shut tight, and he figured his words hadn’t gotten through. Louder this time, he greeted, “Eh… Nageki?”

“I heard you the first time.”

“...Uwah…. Why didn’t you respond?”

“I’m reading. Please leave me alone, Mr. Nanaki.”

“I- I’m sorry…” Kazuaki murmured, “Uzu- Er, Hitori just wanted me to check on you… I’m sorry…”

Faintly, Kazuaki heard a sigh from within, “It’s fine. Tell Hitori I’m fine.”

“You, uh…” Kazuaki fumbled to remember what Hitori usually asked, “You took your medicine, right? And you’re drinking water?”

“...Of course. Please get out.”

Kazuaki tried to remember that it wasn’t personal, but he still felt as though he had offended Nageki in some way, “Okay… Dinner is soon. We’ll call for you.” He began to walk away before he recalled the important news, “B- But, can I tell you something..?”

Nageki sighed again, “I guess.”

“W- Well, Hitori and I are dating now.”

There was a silence, “...You weren’t before?”

“Ehhh?” Kazuaki blushed. He was thankful they were talking through a closed door, or else Nageki certainly would have commented.

“I kind of just already figured you guys were a thing,” He said, seemingly uninterested, “Congratulations. Now… Are we done here?”

“Y- Yeah, sorry,” Kazuaki said, “Bye!”

Feeling a little downtrodden, Kazuaki made his way back to the living room and sat down on the couch. He reminded himself that at least he had Hitori. Hitori loved him, and he loved Hitori. He smiled at the thought and his heart swelled.

_Aah… Maybe life… is worth living…_

“Darling, how is he?” Hitori poked his head out from the kitchen, “Is he alright?”

“He’s well. I told him the news.”

“...So you did. I was planning on telling him at dinner, but I don’t mind,” Hitori smiled, but suddenly remembered something, “Oh, did you want garlic bread or French rolls with the pasta? I already started steaming some broccoli, because I know how much Nageki likes it.”

Kazuaki opened his mouth slightly and pondered, “Umm… You decide! I already chose the main course…”

Hitori chuckled and adjusted his apron, “I guess that’s fair enough. French rolls it is.”

Kazuaki opened his phone and tooled around on some mobile games while he waited for dinner to be done. Oh… the cat he named after Hitori seemed to be enjoying that green macaron. Maybe he had time for a round or two of Candy Crush.

Within half an hour, supper was complete. Hitori told Kazuaki, who told Nageki, who finally stepped out of his room. They all met up in the dining room, where Kazuaki had just finished setting places for each of them. They all sat down and Nageki started eating before Hitori shot a glare at him.

“Nageki, say thanks first!”

“Oh yeah.”

The three of them said their thanks and began to eat. Hitori asked Nageki about the book he was reading, and he relayed the plot as concisely as he could. It was a play, The Crucible, one that took place in colonial America. It centered around an adulterous man named Proctor and a seductive young servant named Abigail. Frankly, it didn’t interest him, but he had started it, and it was short enough. He didn’t like to leave books unfinished. Kazuaki sniffled.

“That sounds so sad…” He whined, “W- Why would he do something like that to his wife?”

Nageki shrugged and Hitori interjected, “Well, he was at least trying to make up for it. He confessed his sins, after all.”

“True,” Nageki agreed, shoving a forkful of broccoli in his mouth. When he finished chewing, he added, “But it was still a dick move.”

“ _Nageki! Language!_ ”

“Sorry,” Nageki rolled his eyes, “It was rude of him.”

They continued eating in silence, broken occasionally by comments on the food or requests to pass certain dishes. When he had finished, Nageki asked to be excused. Hitori had him wait for just a moment longer.

“So, tomorrow’s going to be a bit different than usual,” Hitori informed them, “My tutoring sessions with the new student start right after work on Mondays and Wednesdays. As such, I won’t be home until late. Kazuaki, would you be so kind as to stay here with Nageki tomorrow? If it would be easier, you could stay the night.”

Kazuaki’s eyes widened but he nodded, “Uh… sure? I’m not sure how helpful I’ll be, but…”

“Nonsense,” Hitori assured him, “You’ll be fine. And Nageki, remember to take your vitamins. Even if you take your other meds, neglecting those will only make you weaker.” Nageki shrugged. He seemed to not want to talk about it. Hitori sighed, “You know I’m just worried about you, right? I don’t… I don’t want you to get so sick again.”

Earlier that year, Nageki had fallen very ill and had to be hospitalized. It was a terrible drain on Hitori’s wallet, and it almost felt as though he were feeding a dozen mouths again. Nageki had recovered enough to go home, but was still on a large amount of medications and the doctors had told them he was still at high risk. His immune system was compromised by one of the drugs he was on, and as a result, the sick boy was only prone to getting sicker.

Nageki sighed, “I know… I know.”

“Please. Stay safe.”

“Yeah, yeah…”

Nageki was finally excused and Hitori and Kazuaki cleaned up the table. The sun was finally setting beyond the horizon and Hitori felt himself getting sleepy. He should rest soon. He had work very early, after all.

“Thank you again… Hitori.”

“Eh?” Hitori raised his eyebrows and jumped, somewhat startled by Kazuaki’s sudden words, “What for?”

“For… today. For loving me back.”

Hitori smiled earnestly at him, “Aha… darling. It’s nothing. I do love you, and that’s all there is to it.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _I got my sights set on you and I'm ready to aim_   
>  _I have a heart that will never be tamed_   
>  _I knew you were somethin' special when you spoke my name_   
>  _Now I can't wait to see you again_

“Alright, everyone. I’m leaving. You sure you’ll be okay without me?”

Untying an apron from his waist, Hitori smiled and tucked it into his shoulderbag. The lunch rush had finally subsided and the whiny, flighty teenager who worked afternoons had arrived to relieve him from his shift. 

“I guess so,” this boy spoke up, adjusting his glasses and pressing his lips together in a seemingly genuine worry, “But Uzune-san, I forgot my inhaler. You know I’m asthmatic.”

“Nitori-kun… Since when are you asthmatic?”

Nitori widened his eyes, “What? You didn’t know? I am, Uzune-san, and it’s very severe.”

Hitori frowned in worry, “Hm… Well, if that’s true, I think you should go home and get it. I couldn’t help you after all. I don’t have an inhaler. Be more careful next time, okay?”

“Eh… I’ll _probably_ be fine without it,” Nitori mumbled, “But if I die, my blood is on your hands.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.”

With those words, Hitori bid farewell to the rest of his coworkers and punched out on the time clock. He held the receipt that stated his hours in his hand and glanced at it quickly before throwing it in the trash. Nine point three hours, and were he not scheduled to tutor in half an hour, he certainly would have worked for longer.

Hitori’s workplace was a small diner, not far from the orphanage at which he and Nageki lived. He did have a car, and he did drive, but he much preferred to work within walking distance. It saved on paying for gas, after all, and if Nageki happened to need him, he was an arm’s length away. Or, well, perhaps not that close. The walk itself was around half an hour one way, but Hitori knew very well that if Nageki were in danger, he would have no trouble running the entire distance without a sweat.

Kazuaki was as of now unemployed, which he constantly berated himself about. He was, at least, enrolled in university, majoring in english. His parents paid for him. Through all his self-loathing and crying, Hitori made sure he knew that he was not a burden to him for not working, and that he wasn’t jealous that Kazuaki could attend school and he could not. That was just the way things were, and the way they would continue to be. Someday, Hitori would be able to study. When Nageki’s health got better and he had less medical bills to pay. After all, as much as Hitori would like to go to school and perhaps become a full-fledged teacher, he would not want to do it without Nageki by his side.

Unlike his work, this new student’s home was on the absolute opposite side of the city. While he _could_ go home, get the car, and drive, he much preferred to take public transportation when he had the chance. However, this mainly could only happen when he was alone, because Kazuaki had a tendency to break down in crowded or unfamiliar places, and Nageki thought buses “were gross”. Hitori laughed at the thought as he walked down the street to the nearest bus stop. He lived with some high-maintenance folks, and both of them always felt like they were a burden, but he wished they could understand that he liked it that way. After all, who was he if not their caretaker? He just wanted them to be happy.

When the bus arrived at exactly 3:18, Hitori found a seat near the front. It was quiet, aside from a snoring passenger a few seats down. Hitori always found it strange how people could fall asleep so easily. Sure, he worked long hours, but he made sure to always keep himself properly rested so he could face the day. It seemed so rude to simply fall asleep in random places. He could never bear to do something like that.

By twenty of, Hitori was off the bus and a few blocks away from the destination. He was familiar with the layout of town, but hadn’t quite memorized the kid’s address. He pulled out a crumpled piece of paper from his pocket and glanced at it. 490 Fourteenth Street. He made the walk relatively quickly and was there ten minutes early. The student’s abode, it seemed, was a townhouse, which although small had to cost him quite a lot. How could he afford this if he was living alone? Perhaps his parents spoiled him. Hitori shrugged it off. He was getting a lot more pay than usual for tutoring this one. He certainly couldn’t complain.

He knocked calmly on the door, wondering what this kid was going to be like. His knowledge was very limited… his name was Sakazaki Yuuya, a third year at the prestigious prep school St. Pigeonation’s. Most likely, he was a stuck-up rich kid… but he could handle it. He had dealt with obnoxious students before: notably, Nitori. He had been forced to cancel the lessons after the boy couldn’t get through more than five problems without complaining about having heart palpitations. _Poor kid,_ Hitori thought, _Someone should get him to a doctor._

Within no time at all, the door swung open. Hitori opened his mouth to greet the student, only to realize his face was far above his own. Tilting his head up slowly, Hitori realized that this seventeen year-old was at least a foot taller than him. He smiled sheepishly, somewhat intimidated, “Er, hello. Sakazaki-kun, is it?”

Sakazaki seemed to be having the same issue, having been staring directly ahead expecting someone taller. Even though Sakazaki was abnormally tall, it couldn’t be denied that Hitori was abnormally short. Sakazaki looked down and smiled brightly, “Yours truly! _Salut…_ Uzune, right?”

Hitori nodded, “Mmhm. Uzune Hitori. Nice to meet you.”

Sakazaki beckoned him in the open door and laughed, “Thank god you’re here, honestly. I am in _desperate_ need of a gifted tutor.”

“Well, I wouldn’t call myself _gifted_...” Hitori said humbly.

“Yeah, right,” Sakazaki interrupted, rolling his eyes, “I’ve heard amazing things!” 

His beaming expression was enough to light up the world and Hitori was almost awestruck by its intensity. Sure, he was no sad person, but to be able to smile so much was a very, very admirable trait. _I wonder…_ Hitori thought, _...if someday Nageki and I could be that happy._

“Ahaha…” He muttered nervously, snapping out of his thoughts, “Well… I do my best.”

Sakazaki winked and shut the door behind him, “Your best, _monsieur_ , is surely enough!”

_Monsir? Wha..?_

“Er… thank you!”

“Now, may I take your coat? I have a closet if you’d rather I not hang it on the rack.”

It took him a moment before he could answer. This kid was… very formal for a seventeen year-old. In fact… he looked older. His facial features were defined, not babyish, and his style and aura were very mature. Realizing he’d been asked a question, Hitori shook his head and rubbed his arm, “Ah, no thank you. I’d prefer to keep it on.”

“Oh?” Sakazaki raised an eyebrow, “Well, suit yourself.” 

An awkward silence befell them before Sakazaki broke it with a hesitant chuckle.

“Aha... how about we get started?”

“...Yes, let’s.”

Sakazaki led Hitori down a narrow hallway. The hall was cluttered but decorative, small but homey. A lot of the furniture seemed as though it were older than Sakazaki himself… perhaps even Hitori himself. The walls were lined with a beautiful floral trim and a few of the knick-knacks that were scattered about seemed highly expensive. _Unless his parent’s are loaded, this kid must have a well-paying job…_

He wondered if they were hiring.

Sakazaki only had one comment, “Please… pardon the mess. I don’t have a lot of spare time, you see…”

“I don’t mind. I’ve seen far worse.”

Sakazaki seemed to get a kick out of that. Hitori shrugged. He wasn’t great at small talk, but that seemed to suffice. Frankly, he just wanted to get to the tutoring. It had been a while since he’d last gotten to take a crack at some good ol’ calculus. Lately, he’d just been tutoring first years in algebra or geometry. It paid well enough… but it got dull after a while.

At the end of the hall was a kitchen, which Hitori only briefly peered into. It seemed to have barely been used. _That’s a shame,_ Hitori thought, frowning softly, _Kids these days only know how to_ microwave _ramen…_ Sakazaki turned into the open doorway right before the kitchen and Hitori noticed he had to duck to get through. It was… endearing. He blinked. Why had he thought that?

Ignoring the notion, he followed Sakazaki into the room. It seemed to be his dining room, but the table was covered completely in junk. Roughly two square feet had been cleared away and dropped onto the floor next to the table, presumably to make room for doing homework. Hitori smirked. Well, at least he tried.

Sakazaki seemed to notice that all the chairs but one were also topped with a mess. Opening his mouth slightly, he looked at Hitori and back at the chairs. Quickly, he moved the books that were stacked on one of the chairs onto the ground. Smiling nervously, Sakazaki adjusted his glasses, “Ahaha… Sorry. This room looks far from luxurious, I know… I can’t say I have company often.”

“Really?” Hitori mused, “You seem like you’d be popular.”

Sakazaki shrugged, taking a seat in the newly cleared chair and gesturing for Hitori to sit in the other, “I tend to go out.”

Hitori nodded. He wasn’t sure where to go from there. Sakazaki coughed.

“Anyway… calculus,” Hitori started softly, “What are you struggling with?”

Sakazaki pulled a textbook from the top of the pile he’d moved and flipped it open, “...Functions.”

Hitori blinked, “Functions…? You’re a third-year, right?”

“...Yes.”

“And you’re still struggling with… functions?”

“...Yeah. I can’t say I’ve attended math too much in the last few years. I never figured I’d be going to college, but here I am… If I don’t know enough to pass the entrance exam… Well, to be frank, I’m boned.”

Hitori laughed, “No problem, Sakazaki-kun… I just figured you’d be a little more advanced.”

“I’m sorry,” Sakazaki sighed and pushed his hair out of his face, “I’ve been so busy with other things that I sort of let math take the back burner.”

“It’s fine,” Hitori assured him, “I’ll just hope you’re a fast learner.”

“Oh I am,” Sakazaki winked, “Just you watch!”

“Okay, I trust you,” Hitori said. He smiled softly at Sakazaki’s charm and can-do attitude. What a character… Anyway. He flipped to the beginning of the book and took a deep breath, “Alright… Look at this graph.”

Their study session lasted longer than Hitori had figured it would, but he couldn’t say he was surprised. Sakazaki managed to grasp functions relatively easily, but Hitori didn’t feel right leaving it at that… Not when he was so far behind. He covered a little bit more, and it seemed that Sakazaki’s problem was more that he hadn’t been to class than that he was bad at math. In fact, he seemed to figure things out pretty quickly. He hadn’t been lying when he said he was a fast learner.

“Uzune…” Sakazaki breathed, eyes wide and face pale.

Hitori furrowed his brow, “Yes?”

“Haven’t we… worked for long enough?”

“What? Giving up so soon?”

“...It’s been two hours.”

Blinking, Hitori checked his phone, “...So it has. Ahaha… I’m sorry, Sakazaki. I seem to have gotten carried away.”

Sakazaki laughed, pushing his chair out, standing up, and stretching, “ _De rien_! I feel like I learned a lot.”

“You’re going to have to study on your own if you want to retain that knowledge.”

“...Don’t remind me.”

“Heh… Come on, Sakazaki, I know you have it in you. Try a bit tonight, okay?”

Sakazaki pouted, “But… I have plans tonight.”

“Tomorrow night, then.”

“...I have plans tomorrow night too.”

Hitori sighed, shaking his head and rising to his feet. It was unnerving how even at his full height, Sakazaki’s head still seemed miles above his own. “Try to make the time, okay? It would be good for you. I’m not magical. My tutoring alone won’t help you pass your entrance exams.”

Sakazaki exhaled in resignation, “You’re right. I wish you weren’t… but you are.”

“...I know.”

The two men looked at each other for a moment. Hitori had noticed before, but it just know hit him like a brick how handsome Sakazaki was. His eyes glimmered in the dim light of the hanging lamp and the golden frames of his glasses seemed to only accentuate their vivid blue hue. When he broke eye contact, he noticed that Sakazaki was blushing. Reaching a hand to his cheek, Hitori realized his own was warm. He coughed into the sleeve of his jacket and stepped away.

The two tried to break the tension at the same time.

“ _Je suis très…_ ”

“You have a little crumb on your...”

They both paused to let the other speak, only seeming to have made the situation more uncomfortable.

“ _...désolé._ ”

“...face.”

Sakazaki laughed and wiped his cheek, “Ahaha… did I get it?”

Hitori nodded, “Mm. Yes. You got it.”

“...Thank you.”

Another silence. Hitori felt as though he were going to implode from the social stress.

“I think… I should get going,” Hitori mumbled, nervously combing his fingers through his hair, “I’ll see you on Wednesday, yes?”

Sakazaki smiled and flashed a thumbs up, pushing aside the discomfort from mere moments ago as if it were nothing. Widening his eyes, he remembered something, pulling a wad of bills out of his pocket and counting out the proper amount. He handed them to Hitori, “ _Oui!_ Thank you very much for today, Uzune. I am excited to learn more from you.”

“...Yes. You’re very welcome,” Hitori said, putting the cash in his pocket and avoiding eye contact, “Study hard, okay?”

Sakazaki shrugged and inhaled through his teeth, “...No guarantees.”

Hitori sternly narrowed his eyes. For a small man, Hitori could definitely have that mom-like authority that none would dare question. Sakazaki seemed sufficiently intimidated.

“O- Okay fine…” Sakazaki muttered, “Anyway, I’ll walk you to the door.”

He did so, and as they stood in the vestibule Hitori smiled one last time and waved farewell, “Goodbye Sakazaki-kun… Stay safe.”

“Aha… I’ll try,” Sakazaki looked down at Hitori and held his chin as though in deep thought. Blinking, he smiled as though nothing had happened, “ _Adieu_ , Uzune! Until next we meet!”

Swinging the door open and shutting it behind him, Hitori stepped out onto the sidewalk. The cold evening air was refreshing after being in a warm abode for quite some time. Sakazaki had been acting… somewhat odd near the end of their meeting, had he not? Perhaps he was just tired. Hitori was quite an intensive teacher, after all. Besides… he’d been acting strange too. Hitori pulled out his phone and checked the time… he really had run late. He needed to catch the next bus and get home as fast as he could.

Nageki was waiting… Kazuaki too, and dinner couldn’t make itself.


	3. Chapter 3

“Nageki? Kazuaki? I’m home!”

Hitori entered the old house he called home, slowly shutting the creaky door behind him. He glanced around the entryway and into the living room. No one was around. It was late in the evening, so Hitori hoped Nageki had gone to bed… but he knew better. He walked through the living room, into the kitchen, and across all of the first floor, calling out their names the whole time. Nothing. No answer. Where… were they? 

Where was Nageki?

His heartbeat seemed to skyrocket.

“N- Nageki? Kazuaki!” Hitori gasped, racing back to the vestibule and up the stairs, “Where are you?!”

“A- Ah! Hitori?”

A meek voice sounded from a room down the hall and to the left. Nageki’s room, but Kazuaki’s voice. With the fate of his brother still as of yet unknown, Hitori broke into a sprint and burst into the room. Inside, none other than Kazuaki and Nageki sat on the floor, each holding a hand of cards. Breathing heavily, Hitori fell to his knees and grabbed Nageki’s hand.

“Oh thank god…” he murmured, closing his eyes and pressing the back of Nageki’s hand to his cheek, “For a moment there I thought you were done for…”

Nageki pulled his hand away, narrowing his eyes and putting his cards face-down next to him, “You’re going to hurt yourself if you keep panicking like that every time I don’t hear you calling. I may be sick, but I’m not terminal.”

Hitori only blinked, “Yes, but… What if something happens? What if I-”

“You never leave me alone anymore, Hitori. If something happens, which it won’t, Nanaki-san is going to handle it. Isn’t that right?” Nageki looked expectantly at Kazuaki, who had been staring wordlessly the whole time. Upon realizing he’d been addressed, Kazuaki snapped out of his stupor.

“Oh, yeah,” he mumbled rather unconvincingly, smiling shakily, “I can handle it! I promise!”

Scratching the back of his head, Hitori sighed, “I guess… You know I can’t help but worry, Nageki. You’re all I have left now that everyone else is gone.”

Nageki rolled his eyes, “You say that like they’re dead. Now can we please get back to our game?”

“Actually, Nageki…” Kazuaki piped up, “I think I’ll give you this one. I was going to lose anyway, and I’d like to catch up with Hitori.” At his words, he reached a hand over and grabbed Hitori’s. Hitori squeezed it back and smiled softly. 

Nageki, however, was less than amused, “...You’re going to concede a game of go fish?”

“Y- Yeah… So?”

Shrugging, Nageki began shuffling his hand and the other scattered cards back into the deck, “Suit yourself I guess. I still say we should have played poker.”

“Nageki,” Hitori scolded, “What did I tell you about gambling?”

“It was only going to be for fun,” Nageki assured him, but a flicker of a smirk across his usually deadpan face gave the opposite impression, “Besides, Nanaki-san doesn’t know how to play and wouldn’t let me teach him.”

“You two really are something,” Hitori chuckled. The anxiety that had set in over his misunderstanding was beginning to fade. Nageki was alive. Kazuaki was alive. Both were well; in fact, both seemed better than average. They got along swimmingly. Hitori locked eyes with Kazuaki and his face reddened slightly. Was this what love did to a family? If even Nageki was happier with Kazuaki around, Hitori was the luckiest man on earth. Hitori closed his eyes and brushed his fingers along Kazuaki’s hand.

“...Could you two leave? You’re being sappy again.”

Kazuaki and Hitori unlocked hands and both blushed harder. What was he thinking? Engaging in even the slightest of romantic acts in front of his pure, innocent little brother… How sinful!

“Sorry, Nageki!” Hitori said, standing up and reaching out a hand to help Kazuaki. After pulling the other to his feet, he waved goodbye and stepped out of the room. As Kazuaki passed by him and headed for the stairs, Hitori poked his head back into the doorway, “Stay safe, alright?”

Nageki smiled warmly, a surprising lack of snark in his expression, “I will, Hitori. Don’t worry.”

Smiling back, Hitori nodded and shut the door. It was strange seeing Nageki like this… happy, that is. However, that’s not to say it wasn’t a very welcome change. It made Hitori’s heart flutter to see that his dearest little brother was happy. What was it that caused the change? Was it how well he and Kazuaki got along? Was it how happy Kazuaki made _him_? If anything, that seemed the most likely. Nageki always seemed brightest when Hitori was happy as well.

Hitori was the sun, and Nageki the moon. And Kazuaki? He was the light that ignited the sun.

When Hitori made his way downstairs, Kazuaki was sprawled across the sofa, grinning from ear to ear and squeezing a pillow to his chest. Hitori walked over to him and prodded him in the side, “Move over, dear. I don’t want to crush you.”

Kazuaki laughed and adjusted himself so he was upright, putting the pillow down beside him, “You say that, but I’m quite a bit taller than you and definitely weigh more… I think I could handle it...”

“Oh yeah,” Hitori joked, sliding next to him and resting his head on his shoulder, “Sometimes I forget your body’s not as fragile as your emotions.”

Kazuaki frowned, “H- Hey, that’s mean…”

Hitori raised an eyebrow, “I rest my case.”

Having caught on to Hitori’s ploy, Kazuaki pouted, “Psh… no fair.”

“You know I’m joking, Kazuaki,” Hitori assured him softly, turning his head and pressing a kiss to his shoulder, “Your emotional fragility is one of the many things that makes you the you I love.”

Kazuaki pulled Hitori into a hug, exhaling deeply as he did so. Although he couldn’t see the look on his face, Hitori could tell that was a sigh of relief, “Thank you, Hitori… I- It’s one of the things I hate the most about myself. To have it be lovable to you is… it’s baffling, honestly.”

“Well, stop being baffled,” Hitori advised, “Because this is something you’re just going to have to get used to.”

Releasing Hitori from his near death-grip, Kazuaki stared into Hitori’s eyes. The look in them was calm, trusting, and overall, genuinely happy. Hitori chuckled softly and Kazuaki raised his eyebrows.

“What is it? What’s so funny.”

“Nothing, my dear. I just love seeing you happy instead of sad.”

Kazuaki smirked, “Well… this is something you’re just going to have to get used to.”

“...touche.”

The two lovers relaxed into the couch, pressed against each other like two peas in a pod. Together in silence the two felt at peace, like for once in their lives there was nothing to upset them. It was perfect. Picture perfect.

As though they were in love, through and through.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow guys, i'm not dead! i literally havent updated this fic in over a year, jesus christ... i'm so sorry guys ^^; life's been getting in the way. i _have_ been working on fic, including this chapter though. just slowly. since august 2016 :') anywaaaay
> 
> however, i'm about to have a lot more time to focus on what i love, which is this madness. so i hope to be around more. if you're even reading this at all, thank you for your patience hahaha

Wednesday came about rather quickly, and it was about that time Hitori would find himself standing at Yuuya Sakazaki’s doorstep. Time flies when you’re having fun, Hitori supposed. Home life with Kazuaki seemed… perfect. They were happy when they were together, and they missed each other when they were apart. It was like a romance novel, which Hitori had never read much of, but Nageki seemed to enjoy.

So long as he wasn’t reading anything _too_ raunchy. Hitori would have none of that.

It wasn’t long after Hitori had knocked that Sakazaki opened the door.

“ _Salut, sensei!_ ” Sakazaki greeted, beaming cordially, “Right on time, I see!”

Hitori nodded, making his way into the house upon Sakazaki gesturing to do so. Perhaps it was all in his head, but it seemed that Sakazaki was dressed up for some occasion. Instead of the t-shirt and jeans he’d been wearing last time, he wore a white collared shirt and orange-yellow tie over black slacks. His hair even seemed to be combed a little neater, but Hitori couldn’t help but notice a little cowlick he couldn’t seem to pin down.

“Going out tonight?” Hitori asked quietly as they walked to the dining room. He almost felt as though he were intruding just by asking, but he figured it was okay to try and make pleasant conversation.

Sakazaki raised his eyebrows, “ _Moi? Non._ Why do you ask?”

“Ah, well you seem like you’re dressed up a little today. I was wondering if maybe you had a date.”

Winking, Sakazaki combed a hand through his hair, “Oh, I _always_ have a date… at some point. However, not tonight. I simply... just got back from school, is all. I figured I might as well not change.”

It wasn’t until then that it occurred to Hitori that all Sakazaki really was missing to be dressed for school was a blazer. It wasn’t all too unlikely for him to have been too lazy to change. Blushing, Hitori laughed, “Oh. I’m sorry.”

“Why are you apologizing? It was a completely valid question,” Sakazaki assured, waving a hand dismissively, “However I can’t blame you for assuming I was dressing up. I do try to look dapper, even for school.”

The two took their respective seats at the dining room table… which was noticeably clearer than last time. Hitori scanned the room. In fact, it all seemed to be a little tidier. Not _clean_ by any means, but somewhat less of a disaster. He must have had a guest recently. Perhaps a girlfriend. A boy as attractive as him _ought_ to have one…

Hitori blinked. What was he thinking?

“Anyway, I’m sorry, but I really didn’t get a lot of time to study,” Sakazaki was already rambling as he flipped open the textbook, “I tried to as much as I can, Uzune-sensei! I swear!”

“No need to call me sensei,” Hitori said, somewhat uncomfortable by the formality, “Uzune is fine.”

“Aha, my bad… Uzune-san, then. Please forgive me for slacking off. I assure you, it won’t happen again. I’m not _always_ a massive failure!”

“It’s… fine, Sakazaki,” Hitori assured him, staring at him somewhat quizzically. Was he always this self-deprecating? It was rather unnerving, especially given that he was still gently smiling, “Just try harder next time, okay? Try not to make too many plans.”

“I know… I kept tonight open so I could cram extra even after you left.”

“See? That’s a good start. Now, shall we begin?”

They started with a review of what he’d learned last time. He’d gotten a little rusty already, but overall his knowledge of the concepts was pretty solid. After making sure he still knew what he was doing, Hitori assigned him a chunk of problems to do. Sakazaki groaned, but a stern glare from his tutor got him to comply. He grabbed a loose sheet of paper and started writing them down.

Hiitori watched as Sakazaki wrote, rather content with the silence. However, Sakazaki seemed not to be.

“So, Uzune-san…” He started, eyes still on his work, “What do you do for a living?”

“Me? Oh, I work at a cafe nearby. Long hours. I like it, though.”

“So you’re a barista, eh?” Sakazaki mused with a smirk, looking up at Hitori and raising his eyebrows, “I like the sound of that. I’m sure you look charming in an apron.”

“Uh. I guess?”

Sakazaki chuckled, “No matter, I’m glad you’re content with your life! Any family?”

Hitori nodded, “Yeah, a little brother. His name’s Nageki. He’s a good kid. Wonderful, really. He sort of means the world to me.”

Laughing slightly, Sakazaki scratched his neck with the eraser of his pencil and smiled, “Little brother, huh? Well, that’s great. I’m sure it must be nice.”

Without another word, Sakazaki’s smile melted into a focused scowl and he got back to working on his assigned problems. Hitori was mesmerized. The soft heartiness of his laugh, the subtlety of his smile, and the way his brow furrowed when he was deeply immersed in what he was doing. It was fascinating, like the working student was a portrait in a museum, so beautiful that he couldn’t take his eyes off of it.

Pulling his scarf over his face so Sakazaki wouldn’t see him blush, Hitori took a deep breath to pull himself back together. To think once that a man was cute, that was nothing. To get lost in the sight of him for a moment signified a bit more of an attraction.

 _Kazuaki,_ Hitori reminded himself, closing his eyes, _Just remember your dearest love, Kazuaki._

This didn’t have to be anything more than a crush. Crushes, Hitori could snuff out.

“Uzune-san? Are you alright?”

Hitori’s eyes popped open to catch Sakazaki giving him a concerned glance. Pulling his scarf down from over his face and straightening it out, Hitori replied, “Oh, of course. Just a little cold.”

Sakazaki put down his pencil, “I could turn up the heat–”

“No, no,” Hitori insisted, smiling reassuringly, “I feel warmer already.”

Eyebrows raised, Sakazaki opened his mouth as though to speak, but simply closed it and looked back at his paper. There were hints of words unsaid in the corners of his resting smirk, and Hitori hated it.

This was all happening too quickly. Mere days into his newest, happiest relationship, he was already being enticed by the charming, handsome teenager he was being paid to tutor. _You can’t help how you feel,_ he tried to assure himself, _It’s what you do that matters._

And he intended to do nothing more than look.

“Done!”

“Eh?” Hitori mumbled, snapping out of his stupor.

“...I finished the worksheet, Uzune-san.”

“Oh, yes! Of course! Let me see it.”

“I think I did… okay?” Sakazaki said hopefully, crossing his fingers.

Hitori nodded wordlessly, attentively reading over Sakazaki’s paper. When he finished, he put it down and turned towards Yuuya with a pleasant smile, “Well, you didn’t do bad. Better than last session.”

“Really?” Sakazaki said, beaming, “I’m quite surprised, actually. Not many of my tutors have proved this effective this quickly.”

“Don’t flatter me, Sakazaki,” Hitori tried to sound calm, only managing to sound even more flustered, “I’m certainly not anything special.”

Sakazaki clicked his tongue a couple times and solemnly replied, “Frankly, I think you are.”

Hitori was silent.

“I wouldn’t know, though,” Yuuya stuttered, “Just intuition.”

“Uh…” It took Hitori a moment to find his words, “Thank you…”

“My pleasure,” Sakazaki said, smiling and turning back towards his work, “It’s the job of a gentleman to give compliments where they are due.”

“Wouldn’t that only apply to ladies?”

Sakazaki scoffed, “So old-fashioned! I like to think I reinvented chivalry.”

Hitori’s eyes widened and his teeth showed in his smile, “Cocky, eh?”

“You love it.”

The two quickly drew silent and looked in opposite directions. What were they doing?

“Again, I’m sorry…” Sakazaki said, breaking the awkward silence.

“Don’t apologize.”

Sakazaki seemed unsure of how to proceed. Were his advances welcome or not? Hitori himself hardly knew, so how could he make that clear? Despite his own hesitance, Hitori found himself yearning still to spark again the fuse that seemed to link them in chemistry.

He was happy with Kazuaki. Why did he also want _this_?

“Shall we get back to studying?” Hitori suggested quietly. Sakazaki smiled and nodded.

“Sure, Uzune-san. I certainly have a long way to go.”

The two continued to work cordially for some time, but the hints of something beautiful, an enticing affair beyond Hitori’s expectations, kept plaguing his mind. What was it about this kid that had him so hypnotized? After he’d given his pupil sufficient advice in where he struggled, he let him go back to some independent work. Yet again, he studied Yuuya’s face, watching as he pushed the hair out of his eyes and went back to fervently penning his work. He was focused, but Hitori realized he could certainly feel his eyes on him. Flushing red, Hitori turned away and started fidgeting with the sleeves of his jacket. Eventually, Sakazaki slammed his pen down on the table.

“Okay, done,” he announced, crossing his arms and grinning, “And this time, I think I nailed it.”

Hitori raised his eyebrows suspiciously, but slid his work packet over to his side of the table. Sakazaki’s handwriting left a lot to be desired, but he had dealt with worse in his time as a tutor. He scanned the page and nodded as he progressed, flipping to the next page, then the next. He smiled softly, “Looks like you actually did improve. Are you actually… listening to me?”

Yuuya nodded vigorously, eyes wide as though he was surprising even himself, “Against all odds, yes.”

“Well, I’m impressed,” Hitori admitted, furrowing his brow. Admittedly, it was a bit odd to him. Sakazaki was clearly proving that he was a smart kid with a good work ethic. Why, then, was he struggling so much to keep up? That was a question for another day, he supposed. Hitori flipped to the last page of the packet. Before he could even look at the problems, his eyes were drawn to a message written in an elegant script far nicer than the boy’s numbers.

_I’d like to take you out, Uzune-san. Dinner tomorrow?_

Hitori frowned, going silent once again. Sakazaki averted his eyes but maintained that soft, confident smirk. He hadn’t been expecting this… god, _why_ hadn’t he been expecting this? The boy was clearly into him. How much older than him was he? Six years? Seven? Oh, _god_ , this couldn’t be happening. Avoiding his own feelings, he could handle, but how was he supposed to crush this young man’s heart? Romance had never been his strong suit. With Kazuaki, it had all just fallen comfortably together.

“Sakazaki-kun… I…” Hitori stammered, pulling his jacket closer around him and turning to face him. His words trailed off, but the look in his eyes made the answer he needed to give clear. Sakazaki didn’t need to ask again.

“Don’t worry about it,” Sakazaki chuckled, waving it off as no big deal, “Like any man, I’ve faced my fair share of rejection. I can’t say I had my hopes too high, but I figured it was worth a shot in the dark. Ahaha.”

“I’m sorry,” Hitori murmured, but Sakazaki smiled kindly and tapped the paper in front of them.

“I said not to worry,” Sakazaki assured him, eager to forget he’d even tried and move along, “But these last few problems were hard. How did I do?”

“R- Right…” 

Hitori felt empty. The weight of their connection felt like it had been lifted off his shoulders, leaving a gaping hole where it had been. How had that happened? How did he feel like he was missing a feeling that he hadn’t even known mere weeks before? Had Sakazaki truly wedged himself into his mind so quickly?

And what, oh what, of Kazuaki?

“Sir?”

“Eh?”

“How did I do?”

“O- Oh,” Hitori snapped out of his stupor and set out to focus on the task at hand. He was getting paid to help a student learn calculus, not to contemplate the possibilities of some scandalous jaunt. He looked over the problems for a second and bobbed his head slightly as he concentrated. Despite it all, he could have sworn he heard the faintest sigh from Sakazaki. Was it merely a heavy breath, or was that a sigh of bitter resignation?

He needed to get his head back into the game and out of Sakazaki’s ass. He had a family to take care of. A living to make.

“You got these right, actually,” Hitori told him with a smile, and when he looked up, he caught the faintest glimpse of a frown before it was replaced with a smile, “You, uh… you’re already improving a ton.”

“Ah, I’m so glad,” Sakazaki said, almost _too_ good at hiding his disappointment, and leaned on his elbow, “At this rate, I’ll be ready for my test in no time!”

“You’re very bright,” Hitori told him, and he hesitated before continuing. In a lot of ways, Sakazaki was bright. He was intelligent, yes, but he was also a glow in the darkness. A spark in a dank cave. Hitori laughed, but it came out sadder than he’d wanted it to, “I’m sure so long as you push yourself, you can do anything you set your mind to.”

Sakazaki shrugged, “Hah, I think you may have just proved yourself wrong.”

Hitori tilted his head, “What?”

 

“Nothing.”

“Oh.”

The silence again, and the heavy tension it held was no longer enchanting and beautiful. It was tense, full of undeniable disappointment all around.

“I… should get going,” Hitori said quietly as he stood, voice heavy with regret he wondered if Yuuya could sense, “Nageki will be wondering where I am.” 

Sakazaki looked at him unreadably for a moment before nodding once. Hitori wondered, if in another universe where things weren’t so complicated, the two of them would have been able to start something special.

“I’ll see you out,” Sakazaki insisted, jumping to his feet as well, “It’s the gentlemanly thing to do.”

“You truly are a gentleman,” Hitori confessed, running his hands through his own hair, unable to make eye contact.

“I try, Uzune-san,” Sakazaki said softly, “I try.”

Sakazaki walked him to the door and opened it, gesturing towards the outdoors. Hitori crossed the threshold and turned around on his doorstep. Sakazaki leaned against the door, arms crossed, and studied his tutor as hard as he studied the material. Hitori looked at him, and when their eyes met, Sakazaki’s immediately flickered away.

“Anyway,” Sakazaki said, offering one last empty smile, “See you next week?”

“Yeah,” Hitori smiled back, almost painfully, “See you next week.”

Sakazaki merely nodded, said “goodbye” and shut the door. Hitori didn’t hear it lock, which concerned him in this neighborhood. He had half a mind to go back in there and tell him he should be more careful in this day and age.

But he’d just rejected the kid. The last thing he needed to do was lecture him too.

Weary and heart-wounded, Hitori started on the walk back to the bus stop. Kazuaki and Nageki were waiting for him back home. Kazuaki. Hitori’s head pounded and he sighed, rubbing his forehead. He loved him, right?

Had he rushed into this all too fast?

Hitori had always been a work-oriented soul, but no matter how hard he tried to think about just getting home and getting started on dinner and chores, he couldn’t shake the image of the light he’d seen in Sakazaki’s eyes when they’d shared such playful banter. He shook his head in an attempt to forget it.

He’d brought light to Kazuaki’s eyes as well. How cruel would he be to dim it now?

Hitori never let anyone down. It would go against everything he stood for. He would just have to suck it up. He shook the thought out of his head and shoved his hands in his pockets, walking faster. He noticed the bus pulling up to the stop right as he was arriving and bolted to catch it. Heavily breathing from adrenaline as he took his seat, his mind whirled.

_Get home to Nageki. Nageki. Sakazaki. Nageki. Kazuaki. Nageki. Sakazaki._

Defeated, Hitori dragged his hands down his face.

_Sakazaki._

He stared coldly and vacantly at the wall of the bus as it pulled away from the stop. He contemplated his family, friends, and everything he’s done for them. The orphans he helped raise. The boyfriend who loved him, who he _swore_ he loved as well. The coworkers who relied on him. Suddenly, a selfish thought came to mind.

When has anyone ever cared what _he_ wanted?

Biting his lip, Hitori acted without thinking. He reached into his coat pocket and pulled out his phone. He scrolled down his contacts, past Fujishiro, past Nanaki, all the way down to Sakazaki.

It rang once. Twice.

“ _Salut?_ ”

“Hey…” Hitori said weakly, “Still down for dinner tomorrow?”

He could almost hear the smile on Sakazaki’s face.

“O- Of course, Uzune-san! Thank you! Er, I mean… Nakimi’s at 6?”

“It’s a date.”

“Yeah,” Hitori repeated, smiling softly and clutching his scarf in his hand, “It’s a date. I’ll talk to you later.”

He hung up the phone without attempting to make further conversation, and another thought crossed his mind. A few days earlier when he’d been thinking about his life, he’d wondered: who was he if not Nageki and Kazuaki’s caretaker? He’d never cared to know before, but Sakazaki had lit a fire of curiosity within him.

And through Sakazaki, he may be able to find out.


End file.
